Monday, 3 June 2013

Heart's A Mess Chapter Eighteen A&B

Old habits die hard.

Khushi was learning the hard way.

Her dormant heart began to throb painfully as time slowed to savour the palpable tension gravitating them to one another.

Arnav Singh Raizada.

The man had tattooed his name across her heart, blue-black ink seeping from it's letters to stain every fibre...staking his claim. With each thrill, came the realisation that neither time nor distance would dilute her response to him.

Caus If I could see your face once more

I could die a happy man I'm sure

Even before the locks to her front door had given way Khushi had known it was him on the other side. Still... it had done nothing to quell the warm, breathy whisper that had escaped her upon seeing him. Arnav stood on the front step, drenched to the bone, his posture unyielding. A solitary raindrop hung on to his eyelashes, teetering upon the edge, unsure of it intent. Another sat upon the pillowy bed of his lower lip.

Time, an arbitrary concept at the best of times, fell away, leaving silence to communicate what words could not. Stormy swirling pools of caramel, hauntingly desolate, begged for her mercy.

He blinked, releasing the captive droplet; the spell broken.

The deafening roar of the torrential downpour was suddenly thrown into sharp relief. Three weeks of anger, confusion, love and disillusionment suddenly found flight, funneling into the vortex of a violent storm, erupting in a resounding slap. Relief translated into adrenaline that coursed through her petite frame, her trembling body barely standing upright.

Static filled the air in the aftermath of the event. A gentle sob diffused into the silence. The tension, unable to sustain itself, searched frantically for release and found its answer. Arnav fell to his knees, crumpled upon her doorstep, his head hung; a defeated man.

They remained like that for what seemed like an age, paralysed, incapable of movement. Slowly, Khushi looked down at him. For the first time she took stock of his appearance. His white oxford shirt, clung to his shivering form, so soaked it now appeared diaphanous. Dark circles teased tired eyes, sallow skin marring his complexion. It was the sight, however, of bloodshot eyes swimming with unshed tears that undid her. That squeezed her heart so painfully she felt afraid that it may burst.

You took my soul and wiped it clean

Our love was made for movie screens

Sinking on to the floor, she quickly gathered him in her arms, his head resting upon her chest. The position was not the most comfortable, but she held on to him for dear life as they both let go together. Strong, sinewy arms squeezed her close to him as his chest shook. Then in the softest of whispers he hoarsely lamented...

"I....I can't live with out you." Looking up at her, he tried to communicate his anguish.

Deep exaggerated breaths rattled noisily as he waited for her. Khushi looked into his desperate eyes and closed her own. How could she explain to him her fears? She was no god. It was not in her power to save him. Steeling herself, Khushi prayed for strength. And in one devastating statement, she managed to reveal her truth to him.

"But you can't live with me either."

The wretchedness of their fate rung loud.

So they did the only thing could, they lost themselves. Cupping her face in his hands, he kissed her tenderly, pulling at her bottom lip, revelling in its soft pliability. It's taste was salty, their tears having found a home. Khushi closed her eyes and let her head fall back, taking the liberty to memorise his touch, digging her nails into his forearms as the bristly hairs of his stubble caressed her cheek. Endless nights had been spent trying to keep him alive in her mind, his smell, his touch, his love....

Khushi was terrified of forgetting him.

But now here he was trailing slow kisses up her jaw and nibbling on soft flesh of her ear lobe. She would be damned if she didn't immerse herself in him. A warm whisper flew over the planes of her cheek.

"I missed you so much Gupta."

Usually the sentiment behind such a confession would have melted the heart of any girl. But to Khushi it was his endearment of her that managed to find its way past all her walls, unravelling her in his arms. Her hands fisted in his hair, she hid her face against his shoulder and sobbed. Arnav ran his hands up and down her back attempting to soothe her. With incredible dexterity, he managed to position her legs around his hips and slowly stood up, carrying her inside.

Sniffing, Khushi kept clinging on to him, managing to kick the front door shut as he walked into the foyer. With out so much as a word, he kept walking, entering the guest bedroom on the ground floor. Khushi looked toward the bed and back at him, her eyes full of questions. Lowering her to the ground, he stepped back a fraction and reached out to hold her hand.

"I came here to ask you to take me back. To ask for your forgiveness. To ask you to listen to my side of the story. To reassure that after that if you didn't want me in your life I would understand. But also to let you know that if you were to take me back it would have to be forever. I didn't think I had it in me to lose you again. The funny thing is though that standing in front of you now the whole idea just seems absurd."

Khushi looked at him confused. He smiled with a boyish innocence that left her breathless. Taking a small step forward leaned his forehead upon hers. "It seems absurd because its just become clear that its not up to you really. You don't get a choice in the matter. Even if you don't want me or you take me back and decide later that you can't handle it....I will keep coming back." Rubbing his thumb across her cheek he whispered...  "I love you Khushi and I'm not letting go."

Khushi felt herself go numb at his confession. "I'm never leaving you, not till the big man up there comes for me himself." Her eyes's widened and she rushed to put her hand over his mouth. He stopped her.  "I've never said it to you before but I'm not making that mistake again. I love you and I'm going to spend the rest of my life letting you know just how much."

Looking up at him, she could see nothing but his sincerity. Her voice having abandoned her, she buried her face in his chest. Trembling fingers reached out to unbutton his shirt, her inexperience making her painfully shy. Large hands engulfed her own and guided her, reassuring her of his promise. The material fell away revealing him to her; making way for something quite extraordinary. As her eyes roamed his bare chest, a realisation dawned upon her.

He was hers.

There was nothing to fear.

Clothes slowly fell away, as they indulged in themselves in the luxury of the time they had. The room was dimly lit, trace amounts light diffusing through the grey clouds as the pitter patter of the rain became their soundtrack. She fell back against the pillows, her hair splayed out majestically on the crisp white linen as Arnav came over her...cherishing her...adoring her...worshipping her...loving her. Skin to skin they lay, familiarising themselves as an extension of the other.

Trailing his hands up the length of her arms, his fingers interlocked with hers, holding on tight. Gentle kisses rained down upon her, blinding her vision. She responded with passionate vigour, fisting her hand in his hair and kneading the skin of his lower back; her back arching up off the bed. As he slid deep within her, pushing past her final barrier, Arnav looked into Khushi's eyes, laying his soul bare for her to see. And there he remained, waiting for her to adjust to his presence, to understand the cadence of her body. Minutes turned to hours, and the sheets snaked in between them, twisting and turning with the natural rhythm of their bodies.

They had found each other...they had found home.

If you loved me, why'd you leave me

Take my body, Take my body


Arnav propped his head up on an elbow and turned to face Khushi. Her face was turned the other way, as if determined not to see him. He ran his fingers through the long thick waves of her hair, marvelling its satin like texture. Then with the calloused pads of his fingers, he traced the line of her collar bone, tracing its dips and curves with great relish. Placing his hand either side of her chin, he tried to get her to look his way. She resisted, pulling the bed sheet higher up under her arms.

"Look at me Khushi...please"

Slowly the resistance became less determined in its intent and he got her to look his way. A solitary tear rolled down her cheek.

"You lied." she accused, her voice heavy with emotion.

"I did." he admitted in a small voice. Khushi waited for a proper answer. Arnav collapsed back onto his pillow, looking up at the ceiling. "I remember the day you stomped down the aisle of my plane. I'll never forget the look on your face." He smiled fondly. "At first you intrigued me. I thought it would be a bit of fun spending some time with you. But then after our date I knew I was in trouble. I tried to stay away. I knew it would only end in pain. I think I lasted about three days. It was selfish but I wanted a chance at happiness. The more time I spent with you, the harder it became to tell you. I didn't want you to pity me or look at me any different and I didn't want to loose you. I fell in love with you. You were and still are the best thing in my life."

"What about me? Did you ever think about me? What am I going to do! You've ruined me! I hate you!" Khushi banged her fist against his chest, crying.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry." Arnav took her in his arms and kept reitterating just how sorry he was. "I didn't for any of this to happen. I hate myself for loving you. For chaining you to someone who is dying. You deserve better than me. But I can't live without you. I just can't."

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." Khushi mumbled over and over again.

"I love you. I will never stop loving you."

Khushi fell silent, her palm resting above his heart. "Never leave me again. Even if I ask you to." she whispered.




  1. I'm glad that you're back. Sad that you're having a tough time with life. hang in there...this too shall pass (i live by this!). Get well soon :)
    About this chapter...loved it. love the confession. the assurance. i'm left wanting more.
    Gurmeet - IF Forum - G17jas

  2. Great update Sasak
    The update was fab
    You portrayed both there feelings beautifully
    Aww im so sorry to hear that you had to drop your degree hope your health gets better in the near future and you can resume it

  3. And that's all that matters doesn't it? The fact that they are both here, in the present. Yes, it is tough to live when the certainty of the future is that bleak but if you put a positive spin on it, knowing makes it easier to LIVE. Or maybe not. Maybe we will find out. Whatever the case, it is the right thing to do. Always.

    And take care of yourself Sasak. If a dream seems like it has ended, it is terrible. But no dream ever ends. It just morphs into something else. And you will know soon what that something else is.

    Till then, keep the faith.


  4. Finally!!!!! I've been dying to read HAM! I wudn't say I luved this update as much as I always luv ur work but I understand I mean with ur health and work. I'll pray to Allah tht you get well soon. Ur an amazing writer and you shud seriously write and publish books and um not just saying tht to impress you I really truly mean it from the bottom of my heart! and GAWD I can't wait for YLME!!! It's killing me!!!! anyhoo! luking forward to the next update! and get well soon!

  5. Awesome chapter
    Loved it
    Omg I just can't bear to see arnav so broken for khushi's love its like he is a small child

  6. This was beautiful!
    i seriously cant find a better word....
    thers just so much attachment with this story that my eyes were teary right from the first line......
    i dont know where to begin right from the slap to making was beautiful!
    and his confession OMG kill can God do this to him its so easy to fall in love with your make it easy:)

    im sorry about your leaving medical school just remember everything happens for the best...:)
    u'll always be in my prayers sasak....
    love! __blossom__

  7. Beautiful and blissful!
    Sasak, Have a lot to say about this update, but I need to gather my thoughts before I pen down.

    but all I can say is that such cherished, and deep passionate love is something everyone yearn for, and while some experience it, the other first visualize and feel it through writing like yours...

    thank you so much for giving us this update. made my monday!

    will be back with more :)

    - Dee

  8. I can't explain how I felt when I read this update. So beautiful and you perfectly conveyed Khushi's desperation, her she felt when she saw Arnav. I saw everything happening in front of me.

    I hope you get well soon and everything gets back to normal :)I really hope so.

    I cannot tell you how beautifully you write. You make me cry every time. Even their love making was beautifully described!

    And as usual, I would still request you not to kill Arnav or Khushi in this FF..please! :'')

  9. wonderful update dear
    good to see u back - welcome back
    hope u have joined back ur medical school
    loved the update

    Priya (IF Arjuhisis)

  10. hey sasak,
    i just tried to go and read the latest update of your love means everything and i find that iam not able to access it - could u please help

    Priya (IF Arjuhisis)

  11. Hi Sasak! I mostly don't comment simply coz I don't even read regularly.. Most usually, I read updates months after they are posted! I do comment anonymously when something moves me to it.. rarely.

    The reason I'm writing this has nothing to do with the story (and no, that is NOT representative of the calibre of your writing - it's par excellence) is only that you said your health made you leave medical school and your degree. I am hoping against hope that that's temporary and that it doesn't take you away from your dream of being a doctor. You have my prayers to make it in this lifetime.

  12. that was just amazing!
    just loved it!
    u have written this beautifully. especially khushi's feelings
    awesome update!

    AnupamaJY (IF)

  13. Awesome...

    Very very well written.

    Emotional as well.

    Had tears in my eyes while reading this.You described everything so well.

    I dont know what made u to leave your med school nd degree but i only wanna say that may all your problems sort out soon.I will always pray for u to have your happy days back.

    Take care,
    Hina(hina69 from IF)

  14. Hi Sasak,
    It's so nice that your back writing....this was one of the best chapters I have ever read...just awesome. Wish Khushi will become stronger and things change for them. Want to see them happy.

    Thanks for your note, so glad you feeling better....have faith as you are such an optimistic person, please feel free to reach out and feel you have so many well wishes with you.


  15. hiya,,,,

    life is so unpredictable...its bad that you have to stop your medicals and degree....but don't loose it dear education, qualification is the only friend which lives with till end,,,,,,

    as for update,,,,,,,,, finally,,,,thank you.... Arnav come back with saying he will not leave her till end show how determine he is,,,,,

    loved the update


  16. this was one of the most awaited chapters. i do miss your love means everything too. hope to read an update soon

  17. Beautiful chapter! He came back oh he came for her! Beautiful

  18. You know as soon as I saw your name on my inbox automatically A huge smile appeared on my face...First of All WELCOME BACK...And I hope everything is alright with you and your health..wish you a very good health and wealth..and I really missed my most favourite writer...!!!
    Coming to the update...It was magical I have told this to you god knows how many times but You really put life and feelings to each word to write...reading your work like I am Standing in a place and watching everything happening infront my eyes...I simply loved the update. Speciall the quote "You took my soul and wiped it cleanOur love was made for movie screens"..I think you should really make a career out of writing..!! And I seriously mean it.. ♥♡♥♡♥♡♥♡

  19. beautifully written...
    the one line " u cant live with me either" is awesome. its the simple truth of their lives.
    u r one blessed writer

  20. beautiful update...loved it

  21. was simply a beautiful update....u literally took my breath away.... soo happy he came back, whatever it is they deserve to be happy when they are together...
    u r seriously a blessed writer dear...
    i really hope ur health gets better...and stay happy :)
    - aarrsshhii IF

  22. Oh dear!! Hope ur health gets better,
    U re such a fantastic writer, I was looking up for this update every single day!,
    This story has me spellbound.

  23. Get well soon Shay...i really hope that the way ur characters find their happiness u too soon find them in real life not just by writing but also by quickly getting what u ever dreamed of...
    coming back to update khushi and arnav are for each other...either they live together or apart...they'll always be a part of other....and they'll too find a way to togetherness a way outta this mess....thanks u for giving us so many beautiful stories even when circumstances were not favorable...ppl teach us a lot and u taught me new things....Love u Shay...get well really soon....
    PS thanks for this bday gift!!!



  24. So good to hear from you, Sasak. I had been missing you. How are you now? Hope you are better. Really dorry thzt you have not been well. I've been wanting go write to you but have my own health problems added to which I had a fracture and a torn ligament on my foot and then a tendinitis on the same foot. But the will is still there. So don't worry and everything will get better.
    Had been missing your updates. This chapter was beautiful. A love scene can be beautiful without a long description. This one was beautifully written. It pulled at the strings of one's heart. That is what was needed here.

  25. *BIG HUG* Sasak I'm sending all my love from India to you! I'm so sorry to hear that you had to give up medical school. Please take care and I hope you are feeling better! Sending loads of prayers!

    This was probably the most beautiful chapter of HAM. And my tears are back..I dunno if these were tears of happiness or sadness! I can't really make out!

    Take care hon!! :)

  26. amazing update beautifully done it does matter where they are or how far apart they are they still live in each other beautifully update very emotional loved arnav confession heart felt update
    i'm so sorry to hear that you had to give up medical school i hope everything will sort it self out soon and your dreams will be back on track and all those stumbling block will move and everything will be sort i will keep you in my prayers

  27. well obviously we want more. just a greedy pack we are. amazing... i know that u really want us to listen to the music selections u post but i must confess i feel like they just take the beauty of the words away and enjoy the read far more without the music. u are that good and don't need a track.
    hope your health is better.

  28. Very very emotional. Thank you. you are one amazing writer.

  29. so emotional
    they were dying without each other
    ah they finally consummated their love for each other

  30. welcome back
    oh boy it was awesome emotional update
    they consummated finely they became one
    im so looking forward hope another update soon

  31. good to see you back....
    Excellent update...he confessed....both of them are a mess without each other...
    Now they are a hole....but what next....his heart condition....
    Khushi is so fragile...but strong when Arnav is beside her..

  32. Hello,
    I'm really sorry to hear of your health and the tough time you're going through. I pray you'll soon be well. I myself know what it takes to let go of a dream so cherished. It's a pain hardly soothed and by no means only the words of sympathy and courage from a stranger like me can lessen it. But you have that strength in you dear, a lady who can write this beautifully can never be weak and it does show. You have the strength, wisdom and courage to face it. And are doing a marvellous job by not only getting up but by reaching out to people with your fabulous writing. I hope everything will be fantastic again and you will be happy in the end.
    It's a soulful update I cannot put my emotions in words. It's nice to see them face the life and live it fully till they have their time. Very well done, always waiting for the next :)
    I hope you'll pardon my unnecessary and overstepping note.

  33. hi, the update was just awesome and the words u chose to describe their coming one was just perfect, it reflected all their love and feelings:)
    hoping u r feeling much better! takecare

  34. Another heart felt update Sasak!

    Boy i'm glad it was Arnav at the door !
    I have one question though, is he gonna be really sick the next day, since he was fully drenched when he showed up at Kushi's door step?

    The background ambiance was very apt with all the torrential down pour going on.It's like a symbol to show them pouring out all the pent up emotions they had been holding on all this time...

    " I...I can't live with out you" " But you can't live with me either. "
    These two dialogues are really shows how much they want each other desperately but how their fates have intervened in the process

    I'm glad that they are trying to make the best out of the present , however bleak their future may seem to be at this point in time...

    Oh, and thats a beautiful song you've chosen for this chapter!

    Now that there's an update from you, I'm hoping you are feeling much better.Anyways, take care!

    cupcake1234 (IF)

  35. OMG so sorry to hear about your health and degree

    that was a beautiful update they are finally one yaay can't wait for the next one

  36. Beautiful update!

    So sorry to hear about your health problems and its effect on your medical degree.......

  37. hey dear it is indeed very please to see you back.......dont worry things will be better soon......coming to your update it actually touch deeply....loved it as always

  38. Amazing update!!! Loved it...

  39. fantastic dear :)


  40. "But you can't live with me either."

    so true!

    it was beautiful. the emotions, the feelings, the love, the need ......

    LOve you Shay

  41. good to see you bck...the update was very touching and beautiful...
    and just wanted to say that i wish and pray for strength for you to face hard times ...

  42. WELCOME BACK! How are you now? I hope you get well soon and get back to school, and get everything that you wish for and desire. You're an awesome person and I pray that you get through the hard times soon and stronger.
    Coming to the update, I loved every single bit of it. Especially Arnav's part. It was so beautiful.

    Lots of best wishes and prayers,

  43. awesum updt....loved it...very touching....loved it.....
    hope get well sooon and go back to school and fulfill all ur dreams.....all the best....

  44. Good to see you back. You are obviously going through an extremely trying time in your life and I wish you all the strength and courage to see this through.
    Coming to the chapter, I'm glad that Khushi has realized that whatever little time she has with Arnav would be better than a lifetime without him. Sometimes all we can do is seize the opportunity and wait for Fate or God (depending on your belief) to do their work.
    Your writing is evocative. You manage to convey depth of emotion without saying too much and I love that.
    Keep well and stay smiling...always.

  45. S, I sincerely don't know what to write!

    Very few times I'm speeches and this is one such time!

    I was glad your back and your better and that you had updated and not to forget it was something that was uber cute I know you will probably call me insane but the way he said those things and his confession uber cute!!

    Hmm they became one no ones more happier than me!

    But after reading your note all sane thoughts went out! See I had so much to write nyways I'm glad your fine and everything happens for a reason so I'm positive something better is awaiting you!

    My wishes and prayers with you :)


  46. hi sasak..

    i have been a silent reader till now mostly due to my laziness which basically prevents me from lifting my fingers to type

    anyways this update compeled me to take the time and comment..

    first and foremost..

    you are a FABULOUS writer..

    absolutely BRILLIANT...

    I loved this update just like i loved the others as well..

    you have such a unique way of getting your story out there..

    i love the way you portray a million different emotions in a single update..

    the underlying depth of your story is amazing..

    i seriously am amazed...

    you've done an amazing job with the story and i m sure the remaining parts will be just as or even more amazing..

    i m sorry to hear about your health..

    i know whats its like to be doing something at one moment and having it snatched away from u..

    hopefully all will be well soon..

    i wish you all the best in the world..

    get well soon

    take lots of rest..

  47. its so touching... my eyes were moist while reading it

  48. See - one line and i am crying again. Never leave me again. Not even if I ask you to!!

    It is going up on my status on IF...To you, sasak!


  49. Superb Update!!!! Loved their conversation in the end. Loved the way Arnav told her about his feelings. Loved the way both of them understood what they needed the most at that moment without too much words... Thnx for the update!

  50. chapter 18 is written so beautifully, touched me! hope ur coping well, thanks for the update.

    IF: random94

  51. romance with pain .. that was my first FF ever i read !! glad he came beck .. lovely update dear ... thanx you for pm ... plz send me ur other FF blog link ,,plz dont cut me on ur that list missing badly YLME will be waiting for it

  52. ohhh!!!!....heavenly!!!....very touched with the way of writing.....seems like it has life in it!!...awesome update....simply speechless!!....:)

  53. Do you know that you have my heart in your hand? "Never leave me again. Even if I ask you to." she whispered"---what a line and the sentiment behind those words are beyond words

  54. Hey!

    I hope you are doing well ...



    Emotional. I mean I had tears in my eyes whilst reading this update ...

    You have a knack for writing the most beautiful stories that I have come across. I mean I don't think I can use any words to describe how well you write ... You are truely a very talented gem. Bless you :)

  55. After reading all the parts in one go.. i have a feeling, first time i wished, i were a doctor..

    its a beautiful story.. concept, dialogues,characters, settings.. everything! It can't be any better.
    I don't what took me so long to find this and read it at last.. i was following covert affairs and other short stories of yours..

    but this one is a complete package..

    when is the next update coming?

  56. "I...I can't live with out you"
    "But you can't live with me either."
    the simple, yet the most difficult truth of their life.

    Your story has life in it, it makes me connect with each and every emotion put across.

    My wishes are with you, you will get through with this difficult phase in life and get to fulfill all your dreams.


  57. Speechless.... Thats what you leave me after every update... Cant begin to imagine how someone would deal with a situation like this....

  58. This comment has been removed by the author.

  59. Im a mess right now... after crying so much :P

  60. Lovely update dear!!! Love them sooo much:-)

  61. Big hug from me to you. Thank you ..u are awesome