Sunday, 4 August 2013

Chapter Twenty: Hiding My Heart Away

"P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C. Pathetic. Your inability to play scrabble. Pathetic." Khushi sat across from Arnav, her legs folded underneath her, making herself comfortable on the hospital bed. Laying the white tiles down on the scrabble board she looked at him with a self satisfied grin.

Arnav responded. "I-N-N-U-E-N-D-O. Something I am rather talented at." She folded her arms and leaned back against the foot board rolling her eyes. With a lopsided grin he added..."Not my only talent though." Then looking at her with a heated gaze, he implored her to remember all of his talents. Arnav watched her lashes lower, shielding the liquid gold her irises had become. In their depths lay the secret of their heated passion. He delighted in the slow blush that bloomed across the bridge of her nose, diffusing out to her cheeks.

Clearing her throat she tried to dispel the brewing sexual tension. "E-G-O. I'm surprised sometimes how your head fits through the door since you have so much of it."

He let out a small laugh. Arnav was on a mission today. Sick of the polite and careful Dr. Khushi he desperately wanted his Gupta back. Ever since she had found out about his illness she had been so careful around him. It was irritating him to no end. This wasn't the woman he loved. And so he was going to irritate her till she reappeared.

Slyly he placed the next few tiles on the board. "B-O-O-B-S. You've got a great pair."

His lower lip wobbled, failing to contain his amusement. Shock, embarrassment and indignation flit across her face with in a split second as a tile came hurtling toward his head. "You are so......urghhhh" she groaned in frustration, left inarticulate by his last verbal charge. Scowling, she bit out..."Anyway its not a proper word. It's a colloquialism."

Arnav raised an eyebrow at her not so discreet adjustment of her outwear. No doubt an attempt to hide her very generous assets. "So? Who's going to arrest me? The scrabble police?"

"You sir, are a rouge."

"And you maam...a pedant."He shook his head as he waited for her to form her next word. "Using a colloquialism...utterly Machiavellian I tell you."

"Well it is in my books." Khushi looked down at the rack of tiles pondering her response. Tiles fell upon the board and she smirked a very Raizada smirk at him. "H-O-R-N-Y. Raizada is a horny teenager. Horny."

His next word came almost immediately. "P-O-P. What can I say? Once you pop you just can't stop."

It went deathly quiet; Khushi's mouth hung open. "Did you...did you just compare my virginity to opening a box of pringles?"

Arnav couldn't contain himself any longer and burst out laughing. Khushi launched herself at him from the opposite end of the bed. The scrabble board went flying, crashing loudly as white tiles rained upon the floor. Arnav only laughed harder as she pulled on his hair with, seeking her retribution. "You. Absolute. Jerk." Her tiny fists pounded against his chest. Long fingers found their way under her top and began to tickle the soft flesh near her hips. She squealed loudly, wriggling on his lap. After a good two minutes she cried mercy, resulting in a cease fire. She lay against his chest, breathing heavily, a smile plastered upon her face.

He dropped a kiss in her hair, inhaling the lingering scent of her shampoo. "I've missed this. Just being us."

Closing her eyes, Khushi leant herself further in to his warmth and in response felt his arms tighten round her. If only time would stop... just for this moment. Silence fell upon them as a warm embrace, shielding them from the rest of the world.

With a loud sigh, she concurred. "I know. But things have changed and I just...." The rest of the sentence was stuck somewhere in her throat; a tidal wave of emotion threatening to spill over.

"They don't have to." he responded, his voice a low hum.

She looked up, unsure of his meaning.

"They don't have to change." Though delivered in a casual tone, there was a just a trace of accusation and Khushi immediately stiffened, ready with her defence. 

"What do you mean they don't have to change? Of course they do!

"Why? Because I'm ill? It's not as if I'm going to die tomorrow."

"No but it's not as if you have the bloody flu either!" Khushi was becoming increasingly incensed as the conversation wore on. 

"I'm not denying that its a big deal. What I'm saying is that you can't let it affect our relationship."

"You're making no sense."

Arnav sighed and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefinger, bringing them to rest on the bridge of his nose. " I mean that you have to stop making concessions for me. You've been so polite its absurd. I don't know how to act around you anymore. We keep tiptoeing around one another, doing this silly little dance as if the next word could tear us apart." Arnav  desperately needed her to understand. "I need to know how you really feel or we’ll just end up resenting one another. I know you're mad at me but you've barely said two words about it. We haven't really resolved what's going on."

Khushi sat up and turned to face him, putting some distance between them. Frowning, she tried to articulate her thoughts appropriately. "It seems silly to be mad at you. It's not important in the face of everything. I don't want to waste what time we have together."

"There you go again! I'm not dying in a month or two. I have five or more years. In which time I might get transplant."

This time Khushi seethed, not bothering to hide her emotions. Her eyes narrowed and she hissed. "Do you know the likelihood of you getting a transplant? NO! I do! I see patients die here every day just waiting for a match. So don't you DARE tell me that I should be all sunshines and rainbows. I am handling this the best way I know how." Her tirade, left her breathless and her chest heaved in and out with emotion. 

"You are angry." Arnav made the observation out loud as if just realising the extent of her emotion.

"You're damn right I am."

"I can't change this!" he bit back angrily.

"No you can't. But why the hell did you let it happen in the first place!"

The silence was deafening. There it was. The unspoken question that had been threatening to tear them apart. 

"You knew I lost my parents. You knew I was vulnerable. Then why the hell did you come into my life!"

The guilt on his face tore something deep within her and immediately she wished that she hadn't said anything. But he was right. They would resent one another if they tried to push it away. It didn't mean it was easy. 

"Do you really wish you'd never met me?" His voice cracked. 

Khushi looked down, trying not to cry. "Sometimes." She whispered. "It would have been easier."

"I did for a while." he admitted and she looked up at him shocked. "I wished I hadn't met youI thought it would have been easier if we hadn't met. It wouldn't be so painful. That's why I disappeared for three days. Because It wasn't fair. Not to you or me. Then I decided to be selfish and take a chance and you know what I realised? All this time I hadn't been living. Not till I met you."

At his last admission she broke down, he shoulder shaking as she sobbed. He drew her into his chest. "Spending your life hiding your heart away Khushi doesn't mean you're living. Maybe this is more painful. But that's life and now we're living it. Together."

"What if you leave me? I can't live a life without you. I refuse to. I love you Arnav. I love you." she sobbed, clenching a fistful of his shirt in her hand, hiding her face. He tightened his arms around her and rocked her gently, unable to say anything to comfort her. Tears slid from the corner of his eyes. Three simple words had bequeathed him a lifetime of happiness. All the tension that his body had been clutching on to, slowly faded away. 

With a deep breath he put two finger underneath her chin and titled it upward. Her eyes were red and her cheeks wet. Warm palms cupped her soft face, his thumbs rubbing away the moisture. "I promised you didn't I? I will never leave you. Not even if you ask me to."

Leaning down he softly pressed his lips to hers. He felt her quiver as he just stayed there, gently touching her. Her hands came up to rest on his upper arms and she inhaled deeply trying to memorise his scent.This kiss was achingly slow. Khushi felt the blood pound in her veins as the anticipation built. He withdrew only to place quick kisses across the outline of her lips, stopping only to nibble the portion just blow her cupids bow. Surprising herself, she gasped audibly. He continued to drop sweet kisses along her jaw and down her neck. Instinctively her head fell back; the world spinning around them. It all made sense. After years of derision, she could finally understand Juliet. She would happily giver her life for this man.

Somehow he had made his way back to her lips, trying to quench his insatiable thirst for her. Sucking slowly, his hands moved to roam down her back, lifting the hem of her shirt desperate to feel the warmth of her flesh. How long had he desired this? He didn't know. It didn't matter anymore. He had her and he would be damned if some illness kept them apart. Her back arched as his fingers massaged the sensitive skin over her hips, pressing her up against him. A tiny whimper sounded and caught his attention. Emitting a low growl, Arnav bit her upper lip, gripping her with ferocious possessiveness. 

Slowly the fire ebbed and they drew away from one another. Looking into to her eyes Arnav made a request he had been contemplating for a while.

"Come home with me. There's someone I want you to meet." 

I wish I could lay down beside you when the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known, you'll disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away.

Author Note:

Hello faithful readers,

I know that I have disappeared like Houdini. For that I can only apologise sincerely and hope that you understand. My personal circumstances have not changed much and I am taking one day at a time to fix my health. Plus moving house and all that. I am here to say that I WILL finish this story so don’t worry but I can’t give a guarantee about YLME.

Updates will come when they can. I won’t make anymore promises because it is time I focused on myself. I love all your support though. I cannot tell you what it means to read your comments and PM’s. It seriously makes my world a little brighter.

To all my new readers welcome.

I will endeavor to get back to all those wonderful people who have PMed me. IF you are going to leave a nice and wonderful long comment or have done so. PLEASE PM it to me. I want to reply. But the only way I will remember if it is in a PM. I sometimes get confused with all the threads. I only say this because recently I have had quite a few lengthy comments and I can’t remember who posted them and on what thread.

Also I will be trimming my PM list to those who comment. The rest of you can feel free to stalk.

This update was a long time coming in terms of what they had to talk about. Meera and Semanti had once left a comment about whether it is indeed better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all and I believe this is my answer. For me it is always better to have loved and lost. I would never want to live with any regrets.

My day is made brighter by all of you. Happy belated Eid, Friendship day and Janamashtami to you all.

Love Sasak

P.S It also seems that as I was writing the chapter I accidentally pressed publish instead of saved as draft and some of you thought that it was the Chapter. Sorry!


  1. Welcome back dear, its been so long since you updated. a good start for the week to see your teaser. please update both HAM and YLMEU soon. both are very close to my heart and i keep stalking for the updates

  2. finally!!! you are back and i am so happy its HAM!
    I love the story beyond anything..

    very tempting teaser! Please don't go for another hibernation.. update soon!

  3. Welcome baack!! I've been waiting for long. I love thia story and the setting for it! Can't wait for more!

  4. welcome back........i was so down thinking that you will not continue your Fictions..... i so wanted to read the YOUR LOVE MEANS EVERYTHING and HAM ......and thankyou for the teaser atleast........

    waiting for updates of both Fiction


  5. welcome back!!!

    great teaser
    awaiting the update of HAM......and possibly YLME too?

  6. Yay!!!

    LOVED the teaser and now wait for the full update.

  7. My tear ducts got such a workout reading this story. The songs you chose were perfect in setting the mood, as well. Your writing is beautiful and a true gift. You've made me fall in love with this story, its characters and their idiosyncrasies. I am so glad that I found this story. Thank you for writing it and most importantly, thank you for sharing it.

  8. YAY!!! U r back...missed this ff like hell....
    Loved the teaser.."u hav got gr8 pair of B***S" Totally AWSM!!!

    Update fast....

  9. Oh! Wow! I just niticed this teaser....and it is awesome! I can'twait for u too make a comebk.....nd going by ur teaser it definitely appears to be one of a boom one......waiting eagerly for u too make dash once agn through our minds with ur awesome stories.
    Lov u. Muah!

  10. Hahahahah
    Cant wait!:D

  11. HAM+ YLME are certainly one of the best FFs on arhi....pls continue writing. And welcome back :)

  12. Welcome back, was stalking as usual. Today seem to be my lucky day!!

  13. i have searched all ur blogs but u seem to be lost somewhere :) when will u update this and ylme. have u already shifted it to a pvt blog

  14. Where have you disappeared after teasing us with this chapter Sasak?! :P
    Update already!!

    - Dee
    - IF name: nyxx

  15. And Yay! Finally there's a post!
    welcome back :)

    Going by the teaser, Arnav is gonna bring back the passion! :D
    Waiting for an Update eagerly...

    And an update on YLME..

  16. Sasak, when are you updating this?

    Its been so long. Hope everything is fine with you.


  17. Sasak...just read this story till now in one go. Have always been a fan of anything medical, this was one completely mesmerizing story. Loved reading every bit of it. Loved the mystery filled chapter about who the actual patient and the chapter where arnav comes back. Can't seem to get enough of this story.
    Hope to read more of this story as soon as you update..good one!


  18. I just absolutely loved this. I was laughing my head off. I think this is one of the few stories which has made me laugh and cry, takes me through a roller coaster of emotions. How do u manage to do this? Simply brilliant would be an understatement. Cannot wait to read further. Hope you will update soon.

  19. Awwww such a cute update. ....... loved it.

  20. this has to be my most favorite update of this whole story. i loved it :D

  21. So cute and adorable. Please update soon!

  22. So beautiful!
    not only arnav, i was also missing them like this...

  23. Spending your life hiding your heart away Khushi doesn't mean you're living. Maybe this is more painful. But that's life and now we're living it. Together."
    emotional update loved the scable game and loved how he riled her up so she would let out the pain in her heart loved the update beautifully heartfelt loved how both home was with each other amazing update

  24. Loved it :)
    I adore the couple :D
    You have written it beautifully.. Looking forward to the next chapter

    IF id: memories_im

  25. Definitely my favourite chapter of this whole story...the changes in their interaction is sublime...and I's better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all...though naturally it depends on the circumstances as to how good you feel once you've lost that love!!

  26. take care. i love the way u write. only this week, i had started re-reading ur stuff again. please continue writing

  27. loved this chapter... n i totally agree... its better to have loved n lost than never experiencing love at all.. agee that it will hurt but then u won't have regrets

  28. I was thinking about your work today and boom I get a PM
    Great update

  29. and i cried. the part is so emotional and the way u portrayed the whole scene is just perfect! thank u for updating!

  30. glad to read a new update
    i was really missing this story
    this update nearly made me cry
    this was written beautifully
    thanks for updating!

  31. Hey Sasak ... good to hear from you ...
    have been missing this absolutely wonderful story ...
    Hope things are fine at your end ...
    The scrabble game was a riot ... but it was heart breaking
    to see Khushi breaking down ...

    Please take care of yourself and keep giving us fabulous
    updates ... Thanks ...

  32. good to see u back sasak
    lovely update dear
    (IF arjuhisis)

  33. Fantastic chapter
    Loved it
    It was damn cute

  34. Lovely to see you back.
    Chapter- warm and fuzzy as always!
    Good luck with your health!


  35. beautiful chapter... thanx for nt leaving nd for updating..


    P.S PlZ PM me YLME blog site on india-forums to swetha30... thanx a lote

  36. hey..thanks alot for this update..i hope all your troubles get sorted soon..please focus on yourself first and think just a little bit about us ..please try and update whenever it is possible for you..

  37. loved the update and thankyou for updating........ what happen,,, is there anything which is taking your most of time and you can;t give little time for the fictionsa nd for your waiting readers....

    dear i know you must be trying you level best for getting time for update but we have been waiting at try to amke update once a moth for both the fictions......

    loved the update,,, as usual


  38. superb update. simply loved this mind blowing connection between them


  39. Oh how I missed this story...!!! This story leaves me with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes with every update and I still cant get enough of it...!
    I know its better to have loved and then lost rather than never loved at all but sometimes the pain that follows when the one you love goes away almost makes you wish you had never met that person..!
    I guess that is where Khushi is right now...!
    Take care:)

  40. I have really missed this story
    My heart hurts for them
    so are so in love that they can't face life without each other

    I know you said you are not well and may not finish YLME but please
    whenever you feel up to it please finish it

    I have been waiting to read the ending to this WONDERFUL STORY (YLME)
    I read all 54 chapters in one go

    hope you feel better soon

  41. Amazing update dear .. we missed it badly .. will be waiting for more ..take ur time and post the next cptr as soon as u can

  42. Amazing Update Dear!!! Loved it!!!

  43. Ah lovely update as usual!

    you write about a wonderful topic which people generally don't prefer!

    To write about having faith when you know as humans, having faith at a lost cause is useless! Only one in a million can have faith till the end!

    To a writer like you I'm no one to pass comments!

    Have faith is the simplest thing I can tell!

    Lovely update! As usual you have kept it practical but as complicated as its supposed to be!

    Cheers ma!

  44. Hope you are well, an update sends my heart racing and reaching for the box of tissues... tears of joy to see these two enjoy the simple moments most of us take for granted... how deep is their love, one may never know but Arnav is fighter and that alone makes him a keeper for me...

    As readers we should always respect the decision of a writer, but truly a sincere request, after 54 breath taking chapters, please do not abandon YLME, I for sure will wait patiently for an update or even a summary of your vision for this story...

    srat - IF username


  45. Hy Welcome back - I truly enjoyed Chapter 20. So happy that khushi and arnav finally spoke about the situation and let out all the pent up emotions and anger. this is really awesome.

    I understand your circumstances and I want to say that I discovered you through YLME and it is definitely a great great piece of writing. I must admit that I will be truly disappointed if you are not able to finish that story but if that happens then please do leave us a small synposis of how you had hoped / intended to take the story forward and finish it ( something which was done for the 'The trampled butterfly')

    Take care and keep well (Amanram from IF)

  46. I agree, its better to have loved & lost rather than not to have loved at all. Beautifully written story, its core concept makes it stand out. This update ater a long interval was well worth the wait. Arnav's apprehensions, Khushi's turmoil have been handled so delicately, I could not refrain from leaving without a comment.

  47. I read this chapter last month and went on vacation.. not sure if I commented but now I re-read it and want to comment.

    I agree it is better to have loved & lost rather than not having it at all... this chapter is very beautiful... i could really feel their emotions and imagined our very own barun & sanaya.. :) Its a lovely update!!

    Thanks for writing... I love your work. Hope you can continue YLME, I read that after reading Heart's a Mess... I know priorities change & I believe you are doing your best. As many above requested if you can't complete YLME please give us a synopsis... we will be very happy to imagine the ending rather than left thinking what would have happened.

    I wish you good health. Take care.

  48. Beautiful...

    Finally they solved their problem..

  49. I don't know how you do it, but this is yet another moving, emotional, poignant story by you. Beautiful.

  50. Hey there, I am in absolute awe of how you so beautifully bring forth their feelings. Everytime I read an update, it's as if I am living it with these two beautiful characters in here.

    Thanks so very much for sharing this lovely piece of work with us:)
    stay blessed

  51. thank you for this update

    sorry the situation has not changed for the best yet
    but take care and I'm confident it will

    you are a wonderful writer but you must think of yourself before everything else

  52. missing ur updates dear .. its been soo long .. post it soon

  53. Love this heartfelt(no pun intended) story. Honestly don't you think if we knew we were dying on a specific date, we would make the most of the time we have? We would live and love to the fullest, wouldn't we? If we found someone to,love, wouldn't we love them like crazy, knowing that is all the time we have? We would make our last years, months, days, hours count, wouldn't we? Well, I say none,of us knows when we will die and we SHOULD all live life with those we love like it's our last days on earth, because it may well be. I think yes Arnav is a little selfish, but to love and have lost is better than never loving or being loved in return. What a poignant story you have here.

  54. wonderful update!!
    oh hope u feel better soon.. take your time no rush

  55. it's a different feeling, to have loved and lost..
    than not to have loved at all..
    It doesnt let you have regrets.. Of having gone ahead and experienced an feeling as inexplicable as love!

    One can live with those bequeathed memories of their loved ones forever..
    Or one can collapse the very next moment, in the absence of their love..

    their talk about Arnav's illness was impending.
    & the way Khushi plays down heart in front of him, just makes me seethe in pain, in her pain.
    Her turmoil, his apprehensions..


    As reader, would just like to make a simple request..
    after 54 breath taking chapters, please dont abandon YLME
    I'll wait patiently, for sure, for an update or even a summary of your vision for how this story was supposed to go ahead.

    hope u get better soon..
    Take care and keep well.

    IF username - incredibleArshi

  56. Sasak, you disappeared again! Hope you are alright. Do write a note or something. Worried about you.

  57. Beautiful chapter dear!!! Emotional and well written..

  58. Nicely written.thank you,beautiful