Heart's A Mess - Chapter 17 A & B

I know you have already read Part A but please read it again with the whole chapter. 

AGAIN PLEASE LISTEN TO THE SONG. I WILL ONLY HAVE THREE MORE SONGS IN THIS FANFIC. ALL CHOSEN FOR A SPECIFIC PURPOSE. THIS IS ONE OF THEM. IF YOU DON'T LISTEN....YOUR LOSS.

The door slammed shut behind her. 

Even inside, the still air was frosty, nipping at her bare skin, clawing its way down to her bones. 

She felt empty. 

Arnav had taken everything she had and then some. 

And like all the other times...she was alone. 

Khushi looked around her home. Inhaling deeply, she held on to her breath as the echo of his laughter rung loud in the silent halls. Eyes, once alive, swirling with the promise of love, now lay stagnant, reflecting the memories he had left behind. Her head fell back against the wooden door. Closing her eyes, she let her breath go. 

It came out in short, sharp bursts, shaky and unsure of its intent. 

It's full of chart's and facts and figures

And instructions for dancing. 

Warm calloused pads skimmed up her arms. Soft lips grazed the curve of her shoulder, nibbling the pale skin. Smiling against her skin, he inhaled deeply, intoxicated by her. Khushi leaned into the embrace, fitting herself in the crook of his neck. A strong arm curled round her waist, moulding their forms and there they stood, swaying in the silence. 

It was no longer cold. 

A husky whisper floated by...

' I love you Khushi.' 

Her eyes flew open, searching for him. 

He wasn't there. 

I can't ever see you again.

Involuntarily her body began to shake, the effects of last night's adrenaline wearing off. The deep, controlled breaths that had taken her from his hospital room to her front steps, were no longer able to sustain themselves. Instead her chest wall began to spasm as she fought to maintain composure. 

The damn broke. 

Khushi screamed. 

Composure be damned. 

She screamed out into the silence. She screamed to drown out the sound of his voice. She screamed to be rid of his lingering touch. She screamed at the injustice. She screamed till she could scream no more. With her back against the door, she slid to the floor, her voice hoarse. Slowly she lowered herself to the floor, lying her face against the cool tiles. Fisting her hands, she tried to stuff one in her mouth, to quell the sobbing. 

Curled up in foetal position, she lay on the tiles of her lobby. 

Many hours later, her phone vibrated. 

Pushing herself up off the ground, she messily wiped her tears. 

Anjali calling. 

Khushi hung up.

One step at a time, she dragged herself to her room. Crawling on the plush mattress, she slipped under the sheets. She stared at the left side of the bed and hesitantly reached for the pillow. 

It still smelled of him. Woody, musky, spicy.

Nuzzling against the soft linen and clutching it to her chest, she took comfort from its warmth. Hot tears fell on to the pillow and for the first time in her life Khushi called out with devastating pain...

"Amma"

And I, I love it when you give me things

And you, you ought to give me wedding rings.

**************************************************

"You're back."

It had been three days since Khushi had last set foot in the hospital. In those 72 hours no one had heard from her. 

Matt waited for some kind of response. 


He wasn't disappointed.

"Skip the pleasantries Parker. Just do your job." Came the terse answer.


Matt sighed, catching a sympathetic look from Meg.

In all honesty he shouldn't have been surprised. Dr. Gupta had not exchanged a word with any off the staff since morning and people were treading on eggshells, unsure of what to do. The once jovial ward now found itself party to stilted conversations and cagey silences devoid of its life and soul. It had been years since Khushi had been so taciturn. Professionalism though was not to be compromised. And so, when Dr. Danes walked through the door, Dr. Gupta was well and truly prepared for ward rounds.  

"Parker, Gupta....let's go."

Danes surmised that the best method on the road to recovery was to maintain status quo and so the trio tackled the rigorous work schedule forgoing the usual inane banter. As the ward round progressed though, it became increasingly apparent that Khushi wasn't exactly 'present'. Patient cases were presented, progress was noted and adjustments were made to the treatment regimen. Throughout the proceedings, Khushi's answers remained clinical, her face sterile and her behaviour detached. So uncharacteristic was this demeanour that even the patients raised a silent brow. An hour later, as they left the room of the last patient, Khushi stopped in the middle of the hall coming to a realisation. 

"Where's Arnav?"

Oliver and Matt looked at one another confused. Khushi repeated herself, a little more forcefully.

"Where. Is. Arnav?" 

Matt answered...."What do you mean?"

"I mean....that I took half the patient files and gave you the other half. We just finished ward rounds and Arnav isn't here. So where is he?" she explained, her anger and panic surmounting by the second.

Danes signalled for Matt to leave them alone; his steely expression affording her no comfort. Steering Khushi into the empty staff room he quietly answered her. 

"He isn't here."

"I can see that." She waited for some sort of explanation; her eyebrows raised in expectation. 

"He left." 

"What do you mean he left?" Her tone was incredulous...disbelieving. "We ran all the tests that quickly?"

"No....he left that night. Against medical advice. He signed the release forms." Oliver Danes maintained an even and calm tone, observing his mentee with utmost curiosity. 

For the first time that day, Khushi's affect displayed her inner turmoil and she became painfully aware of the throbbing of her heart as it hammered against her chest. The dull vibration in her body began to build, sending blood rushing up to her skull, the viscous fluid drumming against her skull with turbulent ferocity.


"Oh god..." she whispered horrified, her hands shaking.


Her words came back to her once again.


I can't ever see you again.


Idiot! Moron! Asshole! How could he just leave? She paced the floor and took out her mobile scrolling down her contacts list for his number.


Dialling Prince Charming.


She held her breath waiting for the ring of the phone. It went straight to voicemail.


You have reached the voicemail of Arnav Singh Raizada. Either I'm busy or I don't want to talk to you but feel free to leave a message after the beep.


Khushi pressed the red disconnect button forcefully, cursing the day she met him. Khushi continued to pace, biting her bottom lip and struggling to breathe as the worst possible scenario's played out in her mind.


She dialled his number again.


Oliver sat patiently on a chair, waiting to be addressed. After watching her dial his number for the 10th time he thought it better to intervene.


"What's the matter?" he asked nonchalantly


Khushi kept the phone to her ear, yelling at him. "He left! How could you let him leave!? He's an idiot, he doesn't know any better but you do. Why didn't you stop him!?"


Oliver frowned at her. "I informed him of all the risks. As was my duty. What did you want me to do...restrain him?"


"Yes!" She threw her hands up in the air exasperated. " God.... I don't know...you should have declared him mentally unfit. Put him on a psychiatric hold. Whatever it took."


Oliver stared at her, waiting for the absurdity of her suggestions to sink in. She continued to ramble, still dialling Arnav's number. "And where the hell was his sister? She just let him go?"


He sighed. "No actually. He left without informing her. She called you several times that day...wanting to know if you had any idea where he's gone."


The phone dropped from her hand.


She collapsed onto the chair behind her, not caring that she was showcasing her vulnerability to the world.


"I..." she whispered hoarsely, her voice cracking. "How could he just leave?"


Danes shrugged. "Why do you even care?"


She snapped her head up to look at him, her expression disbelieving. "What?"


He frowned. "Well you were the one who didn't want anything to do with him. So what difference does it make to you where he is?"


"What do you.....Of course it make a difference!"


"But why kiddo?" Danes put forward his questions in a devastatingly logical manner. "You were the one that severed ties with him."


"I...." She trailed off, unable to come up with an appropriate answer.


"You don't have the right to worry about his whereabouts anymore." Danes explained.


"Of course I do. I love him! I will be damned if anyone tells me that I don't have the right to worry about his whereabouts!" She yelled, her anger and worry getting the better of her.


He smiled, holding Khushi's hand and quietly asked. "Then why did you let him go?"


Oliver watched as the fight left her body. The stiff muscles in her body relaxed, her shoulders drooped and she lay her head on his shoulder. Silent tears fell on to crisp navy scrubs as she clutched on to his arm, her body shaking a touch.


"He lied." she confessed, her voice devastating quiet and forlorn.


"So? Get mad.....get angry. Fight with him. Make him rub his nose on the ground and ask for an apology. How the hell is breaking off your relationship the answer?"


"But...he....he's dying. I don't think I can....not after my parents." She stopped to gather her thoughts and Oliver waited patiently. "I smell his cologne on my pillow, I see him sleeping on my couch, I feel his presence in every breath I take.... he's taken my life hostage. I'm used to being alone for a reason. It's better that way....safer. I can't watch him die. I just can't. Not after knowing his love. I won't be able to bare it."


"So don't watch him die. Fight....I raised you to be a fighter Gupta. I have never taught you to give up. Death is a given. It's going to happen someday. You could be with someone who has a complete clean bill of health but gets run over by a truck the next day. Are you really going to let that fear get in the way of every relationship? It's absurd." Khushi looked up at him tired and lost. "And do you really think that by putting physical distance in between you that you will forget him? You've tasted the apple kiddo....there's no going back."


"I don't get it. Arnav knew I was afraid of commitment and relationships. He even knew the damn reason and still he lied. I never thought he would be so callous. Flippant, laid back... sure... but callous? I....I'm just so angry." Khushi gritted her teeth and for the first time gave voice to her frustrations.


"So be angry. But know that you only hold that right over him if...." Oliver sighed rubbing his head. Turning to look at her he asked. "Tell me one thing Khushi, did you ever doubt the sincerity of his love for you?"


Khushi shook her head in the negative. "I know he loves me."


"Then f**k it! You both love each other and that's more than most people can say. It's something that's worth fighting for. Maybe he was callous but love can be a selfish thing. When it comes along you just can't let go...no matter how you may want to."


Khushi blinked slowly in silent contemplation.


"He shares a common background with you, you know. He lost his parents too kiddo. Sure not quite your scenario but it was no cake walk for him either. Maybe he has just as much to loose. Probably more." He took a beat before resuming. "I know he lied to you but how do you think he felt when you told him that you couldn't see him anymore? It probably affirmed all his fears..." Oliver hugged Khushi to him. "He's the one facing his own mortality. He's the one dying."


Khushi began to sob. "But..." She hiccoughed. "But I'm the one he's leaving behind."


He ran his hands up and down her back, holding her shivering frame tightly. "The first thing he said as he woke up was your name."


She cried even harder, clutching at Danes shirt, her tears soaking through. "What if he doesn't come back?" she wailed.


Oliver smiled knowingly. "There's just no way."


******************************************************************************


It was raining.


Again.


How f**king appropriate.


The gods were laughing at her expense; reflecting her mood in the weather forecast. The heavens had opened the flood gates and Cleveland found itself ankle deep in water most mornings. Khushi swore that if one more stupid bronzed weather girl told her that there was only more rain forecast for the foreseeable future she would move city.


At least it was Sunday.


Steaming hot coffee, gurgled its way through the ridiculously expensive coffee machine she had bought one fine afternoon. A pathetic attempt to dispel her melancholia. The morning newspaper and coffee in hand she sat cross legged on a dining room table and flicked on the television; the rain relentless in its assault.


There's another cold front on the way and that unfortunately means more rain and heavy storms. We're looking at a maximum of 60...


The forecasters report was rudely cut off as Khushi rolled her eyes and surfed the television channels.


It was time to start looking for another place to live.


It had been three torturous weeks since anyone had heard from Arnav. Every night it became harder to sleep not knowing where he was...how he was. The constant anxiety was draining her. And so after a week of indecision Khushi finally swallowed her pride and called Anjali.


How she wished she hadn't.


It always amused Khushi to no end at how she managed to find herself in the strangest scenarios. What she thought would be a quick discussion about Arnav's whereabout's had somehow evolved into a full blown argument. Anjali was quick to place blame on Khushi.


My brother would be here if it weren't for you. No one knows where he is. Even the bloody police can't find him. You broke his heart. Oh god! I don't even know if he's dead or alive....


Khushi had watched with a detached interest. This woman really had a penchant for dramatics. Like a 1940's Bollywood mother. Aman kept shooting her apologetic glances while consoling his hysterical wife. To make the situation worse, Khushi began to giggle.


Loudly.


Perhaps she was depressed.


What else could explain such a ridiculous reaction?


The long and short of it was that two hours later, Khushi had left their residence with no voice, considerably less body water and a bruised heart.


She shuddered and took a sip of her coffee.


Arnav....where the hell are you?


The door bell rang.


PRECAP

All I want is nothing more, 

To hear you knocking at my door,

Cause if I could see your face once more,

I could die as a happy man I'm sure.

When you said your last goodbye, 

I died a little bit inside.

I lay in tears in bed all night,

Alone without you by my side.

But If you loved me,

Why'd you leave me? 

Take my body,

Take my body.

All I want is, 

And all I need is,

To find somebody.

I'll find somebody,

Like you.

- Kodaline

A/N

Last sad chapter! Well for a little bit anyway. 

So I was scratching my head this morning when I woke up and there were 6 pages of commetns and 96 likes for my note. I swear I didn't send out a PM. Then I was like...."Holy Amazeballs..." I didn't send out a PM. You guys are amazing. I genuinely wasn't fishing for compliments when I said if anybody was interested. I also never actually thought you guys would be that interested. You are the BOMB!

My personal life is in turmoil at the moment. I can't really disclose more than that. But do know that it is very hard for me to get back to everyone however hard I may try. BUT....I read all PM's, Scraps and comments. And I smile with joy everytime. 

Thank you for everything my amazing readers.

I would like to dedicate this update to some amazing writers who are reading my story. I may have not reached out to you but do know that I sincerely and truly admire your work and am humbled that you read mine. 

This is for Krani, Meera, Semanti, Rae, Nidsubh, A_BA, Anony_mous, Sonia_92 and maybe your not a writer (or maybe I haven't read your stuff) but Craving Khanna as well. Apparently your good opinion is hard to come by and so I am humbled. 

If I have forgotten anyone...please forgive me.